Log in

No account? Create an account
Polly's Journal [entries|friends|calendar]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[20 Nov 2002|12:36am]
im tired of watching the news. were always almost at war.

im tired of reading the paper. someone i know has always just died.
i feel so guilty inside, and you just think ive lost feeling.
it sucks to stop knowing somebody. its hard to just not see them all the time anymore. death and loss loss and death, theyre different but they can sure feel the same.

im so broke right now friends that hate me are the only friends i can afford.

i wrote you a letter on cigarette paper
with each puff i memorized what id say
swirling around my head the ash falls down
smoke rings of dignity
pure air is poison since we burned out the fire

a dream is a dream is a dream is a dream is a dream is a dream is a dream is a dream is a dream is a dream is a dream is a dream is a dream is a dream is a dream is a dream is a dream is a dream shattered into a million peices

im going on a trip
happy holidays
2 comments|post comment

[14 Oct 2002|12:00am]
who gives a shit? really. all we do is talk shit and change faces. everyone is a different person. if we're not who we want to be who are we? you're nobody if you cant pretend, and somebody if you lie. the world is a drama. played out on a silver screen. they all watch and they all laugh. things are the only way they can be, and we can do nothing about them. we see the structure, we see it for what it really is, but then we accept this blindness that society throws against us. it shades our view. we become something different now. and we cant even help it. how sad is that? it's sad enough to cry enough tears to drown in. don't tempt me. yeah i'm in a wierd mood but it's about time i rant about how much everything in the world sucks right now. all of a sudden everything goes wrong everywhere and nobody knows why. well i dont really give a shit why as long as it changes soon. but like i always say, change is constant and change is usually bad. it all makes sense, and i'm smart enough to be pissed off now. i swear to god if we go to war with iraq i will burn a hypocritical american flag on the steps of the 3rd floor entrance at lucille clement in front of everyone. if one more person that i love goes away. if one more friend loses touch. grr. it shouldnt be this way, it should always be another way. the grass is always greener... blah blah blah. i could go on for hours and i just might but first i'm gonna get the fuck off the computer. peace, love, and sentiment. maybe i'll write entries more often, maybe i will quit forever. i guess we'll see what god wants. fuck god. i'm not happy and i am especially not keeping my thoughts to myself right now. i quote alanis morrisette: "isn't it ironic? dont ya think?" and i hate alanis morrisette. cheers this drink is for you because i've had enough and i think i will have another one. i wonder if there is any blood in my alcohol system. one time a famous black man with an afro said: "because i got high" and he was right! we're all allowed to slip up every now and again. sometimes i should just shut up. it's better to say nothing at all than to say something wrong. keep typing. i'm not really that unhappy at this moment, i am halfway dead. i am apathetic to everything and i feel like publicating my thoughts. the timer dinged on my cinnamon rolls.

1 comment|post comment

[04 Oct 2002|12:55pm]
hey i'm just posting to tell everyone that the awful time of year has come when we celebrate our years alive. i will be 19 on saturday october 5th. i am having a party at my house on saturday and i am inviting all of you (or whoever still reads my livejournal). i miss everyone so much. feel free to come over anytime after 830. i hope to see you there.

post comment

[04 Jul 2002|08:16pm]
I hardly ever post in livejournal, but i am alone, bored, and sad, so i will now. i think it is the combination of those three things that makes me want to write in livejournal. hah. usually it's one or the other, sometimes two of them, but three is a rarity. i have been taking this anti-depressant for five days now. it's called nortriptyline. i cant tell if it is a side effect or from something else, but i find that i am very drowsy during the day, and my emotions fluctuate more than usual. i mean, right now, i mentioned i was sad right, well i really have no idea what sad is. the feelings inside of me cannot be defined with a word. i feel like there is a drought inside of me. something is aching for help. more and more i notice my need for attention. i didnt used to care if people paid attention to me or not, but now, i feel like a tiny speck. i just want to belong to something again. i want to be a part, an influence, an asset. i have like three friends. three people that i see and hang out with regularly. i must have really pushed a lot of people away this past year. i push myself away from myself all the time, so how can i expect someone to care? i know it always comes back to this, but i know that when my mother died is when all these changes inside of me occurred. i wish i could hate her. i'd hate her for making me be alone, i'd hate her for giving me this empty feeling, and i'd hate her for changing my life. but i cant fucking hate her! i hate me! and i hate the way i feel. i hate the way i make others feel. you probably arent enjoying this entry. well, i hate the fact that i dont give a fuck. if i cared, maybe more people would care about me. i'm getting more angry at myself the longer i stare at the screen. you know, i go out of my way to make people happy. i would do all i could to help someone. i always compromise my own needs to take care of someone else's. why hasn't anyone done that for me? how hard is it to see how much i've changed? dont you realize that people change when there is a problem?!?! i know my friends from last summer dont think the same about me anymore. i'd do anything to re-establish my friendships with them, but i also know that because of the changes, they would not like to. anyway, i've lost interest in my own drama. goodbye.
5 comments|post comment

forever ink [29 Jun 2002|02:10pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I got a new tattoo today. brandon went with me, but they wouldnt let him watch... bummer. anyway, it's a small laurel vine on my upper right shoulder. it has many meanings, but i dont feel like writing all of them down here. if you would like to know what it means to me and stuff, and see some pictures of it, IM me and such. grundlegoat on aim if you didn't know. bye until i feel like posting again. heh.

post comment

[27 Jun 2002|04:51pm]
i got back from cancun. it was hot. i'm going to tybee soon. that should be fun too. i'm in a bad mood. i feel like shit. i have two cavities. again. every fucking time i go to the dentist they find sometime else wrong. i hate my teeth. maybe i wont go back ever. then they cant tell me i have cavities. wait.... then i will just be in pain. nevermind. sometimes thats ok though. bad mood. go away.
post comment

BEACH!! [12 Jun 2002|12:10pm]
hey ya'll. i am in tybee island georgia visiting my granny. its fun but hot... kinda like me? no. well, the library has become technological and decided to put internet on thier computers so i can email and such. hehe. i like. *claps* i'll be home tomorrow, i'm leaving at 8 am. argh. anybody who wants to can call me on my cell phone and entertain me on the 7 hour drive. 423-967-6870. i might not hear it ring cause my granny bought me a sub:) so keep trying!! i'll see you guys soon!! i love all of you!!

3 comments|post comment

[24 Apr 2002|04:01pm]
Prom is Saturday. It will be fun. I have a great date and wonderful friends to go with. hair/makeup/dress is all going to be nice. I will be a girly girl for one night. I dont mind, it might be fun. but you know, if minds could be stylish or popular, my brain would be on the cover of Vogue!

I dont really care much about hair/makeup/clothes. I just like to be comfortable. One night won't kill me I don't think. Everyone at prom will make this huge deal about Polly Reddick dressing up and stuff. hah. that part is kind of funny. It is a drastic change, and I'm sure I will get attention for breaking my norm. Lots of people will see me in my dress, but one. I wish so much that my mother could see me. She used to love it so much when I would let her buy me a dress. She'd make me put it on as soon as I got home, and try her best to find somewhere special for us to go so she could see me in it. She picked out my prom dress.

My mom hated dresses too, but she said I looked so pretty in them. most wouldnt consider my mom pretty. To me she was the prettiest person in the world. Her face was so familiar, so perfect, so safe. When I could see my mom's face, I felt good inside, warm almost. I miss her face. I miss her eyes, her smile, her voice, her love. We were always in it together. We always counted on each other. She was my mother and my best friend. You only have one real mother. Whether it is biological or not, there is always one woman that you know is your mom. She was so much more than that though! She was a sister, she was a daughter, and she was a friend to so many people.

I'm not happy lately. I know I'm not expected to be happy after the death of my mom, but it's a different kind of unhappy. It's an emptiness, a greif, an anxious feeling I can't ignore. I don't feel right. I don't feel like me. I wonder if I will ever feel right again. I have to "move on" with my life. How the hell can someone "move on" When their feet are cemented in one place. It's so hard to look forward to things. I hate Thursdays. I dread Thursdays. Thursdays are goodbyes, last chances, and tears. 11 used to be my favorite number, irony at its best. 4/11/02

I got a numerology reading based on my birthdate. Irony strikes yet again.

(Your Soul Urge Number is 11.
If there is an excess of 11 energy in your makeup, you may possess some the negative 11 traits. There is a tendency for the 11 to produce considerable amounts of nervous tension which is bought on by a very high level of awareness. You may be too sensitive and overly emotional. In some cases, these sensitivities and emotions are quite repressed, and this tends to add even more to the sense of nervousness in the makeup.)

I am fine at school. I have to be. If I think I won't get anything done. I feel so out of touch with everything there. I feel like such a child. For so long I have depended on this person, and now they are gone, vanished in an instant. Dead and gone before I could learn to be independent. Sure, I am independent, I always have been, but this is a different kind of independent. This is forced and unwelcome. I want to curl up on her lap and complain about school. I want to ride in the car with her and make up stories. I want to laugh with her about a stupid joke. I want to see the look on her face when I come down the hall wearing my prom dress. I want to wipe away her tears of joy when I graduate. I want so much. I want too much.

I can't feel safe anymore. She was my protector. I can't feel full anymore, she was my everything, and my everything is gone. I feel so vulnerable to the world. So fragile now.

All of a sudden I am on my own. Circumstance smacked me in the face so hard I can't see. I have to take care of everything all of a sudden. I am still a fucking child!!! It's almost like I am raising a kid of my own. I have to teach it everything, play with it, feed it, take it places, be responsible for it. The kid is ME.

I am left alone with a house. A big, dark, scary house that doesn't even feel like mine anymore. It was safe and comfortable when mom was here, but now it is foreign and evil. Nothing can feel like home again. A cardboard box would have felt like home if my mom was in it with me.

I can't stand living only with dad. He is an alcoholic fuck-up who doesn't know the first thing about being a father. He is a stranger in my mother's house. I wish he would just drink himself to death. I'm tired of seeing him wander around the house crying. Mom hated him too! He drank away her love for him, and for mine. Mom and I were going to leave him, but she got cancer a week before we were going to a year and a half ago. She was stuck here, and now I am too. The shit he put me through, and the greif of my mother's death is breaking my will to try anymore.

If you don't want to read this shit, block my name or something. This is the only way I can express myself to myself. I hold things in for so long, and I'm trying to deal with it this time, even if it means horribly sad posts. I'm going to try. I have to try. The more I don't want to go on, the more I know I have to. The more time that goes by, the emptier I feel.
2 comments|post comment

[19 Apr 2002|09:17pm]
drama is bad guys. melodrama on the other hand, that is worthy of the death penalty.
1 comment|post comment

[16 Apr 2002|02:12pm]
I wanted to thank everybody for posting stuff for me and mom. I got an open invitation for anybody who wants to, we're having a memorial service at my house (1340 Belmeade Dr.) on Saturday the 20th at 12:00 noon. Dress casual (tennis shoes etc.)

This fucking sucks so bad. I feel awful. all i do at school is try not to cry and i am often not successful. I dont know how to do this. I love her so much and I will never stop missing her. The deepest part of my heart feels so empty without her. I feel like i'm 6 years old again crying for mommy cause i cant sleep. I'm 18 years old, I'm practically out of the house, but i dont know how to move on. I dont know how to be alone. i am alone now. I am truly alone. I love my brother and I love my friends, but the relationship i had with my mother can never be replaced. a part of me will always be dead too.
1 comment|post comment

[11 Apr 2002|10:39pm]
my mother died at about 930 pm
16 comments|post comment

[11 Apr 2002|03:01pm]
they said she only has a few days left. cant breathe on her own. cant talk either. i dont want to say goodbye. shell be at the bristol hospital by 7 or 8 tonight. i dont want her to be alive in so much pain, but i dont want her to die in pain either.
3 comments|post comment

[11 Apr 2002|01:48pm]
i havent written for a while because i didnt feel anything was important enough to post. everything now is so fucked up i dont know what to do or who to turn to. my mother has had breast cancer since over a year ago. most of you know that... well shes been getting worse lately. it's spread to her liver and then her brain. she was in the hospital this past sunday and monday for a stomach infection thing. well she got a little bit better yesterday, and decided to still go to the beach with two of her friends even though she still wasnt ok. the reason she went was because it will probably be her last time to see her mother. (gran lives at the beach) anyway, i got woken up this morning by a call saying mom was in the savanna hospital. then, a few minutes ago, this doctor called who was taking care of her. he said she is really sick and probably wont make it if she cant fight off this lung infection fast. she just had chemo two days ago, so her body is basically depleted of everything it needs to fight infections. the doctor sounded worried. she told them she wanted full recessutation and intibation.... she DOESNT want that. she has a living will to NOT recessutate her. BUT, she told them that because she's still in savanna and wants to be HERE when she dies. so if it happens that she might die today or tomorrow, they will keep her a vegetable so that we can bring her back here and pull the plug. its so cruel. i dont know what to do or who to talk to. Holly is out of town and she is the person i usually really open up to about my mom. i just dont talk about it to anybody else because it is too emotional for me. what do i do?? i want to talk to my mom before she dies, i dont want her to be on a ventilator when i say goodbye. i want to hear her say she loves me back. in her voice. the voice i have recognized since i was born. the voice that nobody could imitate. i cant talk about this anymore.
1 comment|post comment

werk seks:( [27 Dec 2001|05:23pm]
I werked today. It sekked. I get like no tips during lunch. blah. How's everyone? Holly gets to sleep late, but Polly has to werk. Is that fair? NO! grr. I have to do family things tonight. Eating, movies perhaps, maybe spend time with Evan. Who knows. People should call me, just to say hi or something. Holly should call me when she gets home, if she remembers. um, lets see... *thinks* I shall sleep late tomorrow. I do not werk again until Sunday. Everyone be good.
1 comment|post comment

Think About It... [01 Dec 2001|05:50pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Think About It...

Have I impacted your life in some way nobody else ever has?
Have I been there when you needed me?
Have I cared when no one else seemed to?
Have I let you know how special you are to me?
Have I held when you were hurting?
Have I proven myself worthy of you?

Have you impacted me?
Have you been there when I needed you?
Have you cared when no one else did?
Have you ever told me I was special to you?
Have you held me when I was hurting?
Have you proven yourself worthy of me?

Do I have what it takes to still be in your life?
Do you have what I need to keep you in mine?

I will keep trying
Even if you give up

5 comments|post comment

A Day [01 Dec 2001|04:10pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

A day without tears is a day without emotion

post comment

Today Niggaz [23 Nov 2001|08:34pm]
[ mood | grateful ]

Today was a great day!! I went to JC to eat with Kim and John... both of whom are ghettO. I liked that. Then they came to my house and I talked Ryan into going with me to Morristown to see my ho Ashley-Cunt-Vag-Susong. I love my BNS. yes, I do. She was having a shitty day, so I wanted to see her. It was fun. I got to hang with ghetto Ivan at the Far East Buffet. Chinard food. Yes, it was delicious. Good long talk with Ryan on the way home. I am home now, and I am going to write an intellectual and deep email to someone. Later everyone. I love you all! *happy Polly*

1 comment|post comment

[23 Nov 2001|11:00am]
I Love You:)
5 comments|post comment

Funny:) [22 Nov 2001|10:47pm]
[ mood | jesus ]

JesusSoldDrugs: ride my north pole?
JesusSoldDrugs: liqui-dookie?
northpole411: huh?
JesusSoldDrugs: duh?
JesusSoldDrugs: ass wrangler?
JesusSoldDrugs: terrible turkey shits!
northpole411: sweet
JesusSoldDrugs: osama da turkey gives me liqui-dookie
northpole411: excellent
JesusSoldDrugs: mr burns I presume?
JesusSoldDrugs: I saw god last time I took a crap
northpole411: thats great
JesusSoldDrugs: what about you?
JesusSoldDrugs: ass snatchers from outer space don't have any liqui-dookie
JesusSoldDrugs: do you have liqui-dookie?
JesusSoldDrugs: ???
northpole411: nope
JesusSoldDrugs: WHY THE FUCK NOT??
JesusSoldDrugs: sometimes when I have liqui-dookie I like to rub my left ankle
JesusSoldDrugs: do you have a left ankle?
JesusSoldDrugs: soli-dump sucks
northpole411: lost it in the war...
JesusSoldDrugs: I see...
JesusSoldDrugs: I lost my duodenum in the war
JesusSoldDrugs: do you have your duodenum and sphincter of Oddi in tact?
JesusSoldDrugs: are you interested in liqui-dookie?
northpole411: not a big fan...
JesusSoldDrugs: kinda like salad shooter except no salad and more shit
JesusSoldDrugs: vegetarians have wonderful diarrhea
JesusSoldDrugs: do you have any polyps?
JesusSoldDrugs: I have polyps in my lower esophageal sphincter...eating at the lining of my aorta
JesusSoldDrugs: do you like me?
JesusSoldDrugs: liqui-dookie?liqui-dookie?liqui-dookie?
JesusSoldDrugs: smoke a fat cock?
JesusSoldDrugs: eat a gigantic turd?
JesusSoldDrugs: green!
JesusSoldDrugs: BLACK MAN 5000
JesusSoldDrugs: ???
JesusSoldDrugs: niggerachi?
northpole411: what are you on?
JesusSoldDrugs: liqui-dookie
JesusSoldDrugs: !!!
JesusSoldDrugs: what are you off?
northpole411: sleep
JesusSoldDrugs: Do you want more or less?
northpole411: more
JesusSoldDrugs: whY?
JesusSoldDrugs: WHYWHYWHY
northpole411: because it does wonders for the body
JesusSoldDrugs: does it now?? Do you need more cause you're ugly, or cause you're pretty as a turd in heat?
northpole411: because growing takes alot out of you
JesusSoldDrugs: Growing could put a lot into YOU
JesusSoldDrugs: gross, though when you think about it...

post comment

Ass Raping Butt Plungers [22 Nov 2001|09:50pm]
[ mood | Gastric depression ]

I have a sack

It is terrible

One time a whore monger by the name of Tweenkee took a huge dump. It was terrible and smelled like four day old cabbage. It leaked onto the floor mat and began forming crusty polyps. It became alive and started climbing up my leg, reminding me of a homesick abortion. blaaaaaaaaaaK. I wondered in my head how this could happen especially with all the anal precautions I had taken. Rape me. *belch* tittie fart. rehhhh. The quief that followed the plummetting excrement was what really took the cake. Imagine if you will, dropping a bowling ball from a height of six feet in to the crab secion of a chinese buffet. NIPPLE. Now imagine the egg foo young jumping to the beat of continious vaginal flatulation by an 82 year old cunt rag covered in the fecal matter of decayed sheep. Hold on is all I heard before the thunderous clap of the dick fart that followed the decaying sheep refuse. I have to fart. Upon the discovery of the butt plug in my ear I was interestingly perplexed by the amount of cockroaches spilling from my labia. I uprootingly discovered anal warts in my GI tract descending from my sphincter of Oddi. **Remember that the sphincter of Oddi is the entry point into the small intestine from the duodenum.** Enter the dragon. Bruce Lee aint got nothin on these farts. Knocking down buildings and fuckin up small houses and mud huts is kiddie play for some people. I wage war on the bathroom tiles. I usually win too. I have to fart again!

Happy plumbing

3 comments|post comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]